she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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