If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
