For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I FOUND THE LEGS
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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