so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
