don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
