I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
