im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It was confusing and full of hummus
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
