so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
