I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Vodka?
Forever.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
