Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
