if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
