kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
