It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
