you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
