what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
