The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
