I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
