I'm so fucking centered right now
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
