My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
