he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
