Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
