I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.�
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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