do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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