My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Randomize
