Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
