Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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