i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
