i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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