I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
