I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
