Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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