Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
