Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
