2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My Higher Power is John Stamos
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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