I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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