You smell like stripper and shame
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Randomize
