wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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