My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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