dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
