i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
