She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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