Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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