Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
