grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
