i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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