I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
