She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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