trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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