Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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