he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
